dont touch me when i'm pissed or stressed out...please

today was long... it had some fun times and some bad times, but over all i think it was a success (if your clueless what went on it was fine arts night, but i dont think anyone reads this other then a couple of people and they know what went on this night). but some of the more stressful times i'm not that proud of...well mainly mine... i was stressing out because i couldnt find me robe and rachel came over to help me and give confort...she took hold of my arm (as a friendly gesture to help)... i flipped, scared her... when i flipped im not sure on how close i was but it almost looked like i was close to hitting her, but i didnt, thank god.... when i'm stressed people, please DONT touch me, for god sakes, dont touch me... i flip out almost immediatly, and most of the time i'm not even aware of it till i've already flipped out... i dont trust myself when i get like that...and i hate that side of me, i want to kill it... last time something like this happened, it was the day i was really pissed off (the day i wrote all those free write poems, mostly about hatred) my friends tried to comfort me and figure out what was wrong, and during lunch katie came to give me a hug, i didnt know that she was there cus she came up behind me and i wasnt really aware of many of my surroundings that day... like the split second that she touched me i was turned around and was ready to punch... then i realised who it was and stopped... it scared the shit out of the whole table... i think it was miles who said he never seen me move that fast... that day some of my friends learned that when im pissed, leave me alone...

i'm not proud of this side of me, and i want to kill it... i hate it but its me.... im not always the goofy, dumb phyl you some people know me to be.... i can be a real monster sometimes...and i'm aware of that side of me... i just cant control it fully...though i think thus far i've never physically hurt someone when i get like this.... just scared the shit out of them... i can normally control some of it and restrain myself from hurting people....well physically hurting them, i 'm sure i hurt their feelings when i do it...

man i felt like shit after it happened.... sry rachel... i know i already said it a few times.....well im tired, its late, its been a long day, and there's school tomarrow.... i'm gone